We all have what I believe to be two lives. The life we live before becoming a dad and the life we live after. Now this does not mean one stops as the other starts, but more like the life we lived before integrates and can influence the life we lead after becoming dads. Basically what I am trying to say is that no matter how much we change or how much we move on from our past it will always be a part of us. I wrote previously how the need to be perfect is something we need to let go of and that it is ok to be imperfectly perfect as we each are. This is more of a deep dive into those imperfections we have and those moments from our past that find us battling our personal demons.
Now I am not trying to account for each and every one of us but to draw on my own personal experiences when providing insight into this side of fatherhood. We humans are a very complicated species and it is amazing how many little things in life can effect us in profound ways. From our own early childhood all the way through life the smaller moments and events just add up. As I go along my journey as a dad I constantly think back to when I was a child and to times when I was younger and I want it to be different for my kids as most of us want for our kids. No matter how much we want this the past will always influence the present and not always in a positive way.
We have all made mistakes in life and I myself have battled my personal demons in life. It is easy to look back and see the issues I had with alcohol and the need to go out and party have fun. It is easy to think “hey I was young that is what you did”, but there was enough negativity from it where yes it was an issue. Now was there plenty of fun??? Yes absolutely and those I spent time with I am still great friends with today. Times were certainly a little different back then and when you are in your twenties it is easy to go on not concerning yourself as much about the future. By the time I was 21 I had already experienced an arrest for drinking and driving and despite that horrific experience I had a second arrest by the time I was 25. Clearly I was not holding my safety or the safety of anyone else by committing these acts and I paid the price for it. Unfortunately that does not mean that was the end of it.
For a time after that I was not in a position to own a vehicle let alone drive. Looking back I can see I spent years chasing the party and not concerning myself with my future. From job to job to job I skated along for years until I began to realize the wasted time I was allowing to slip by. I began to want more from my life and it was not long after I met my future wife and it was not like a switch happened as there were many growing pains in the start of our relationship but in the end I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to share it with. I began to make changes for the better going back to get my degree and trying to focus or more important things in life. Before you know it the time came for parenthood and a whole new level of focusing on the important things began. I was not going out like I once was and felt good about where life was going, but I began to play in some night roller hockey leagues and unfortunately my past caught up with me and after stopping for a drink after one game I was once again in trouble getting arrested for drinking and driving.
This had to be about 17-18 years since the last time and it certainly has become the most costly. This happened about 5 years ago now and to this day I still am not allowed to obtain a drivers license again in my state. I want you to imagine you have your young kids ages 3 and 2 and now you can no longer take them anywhere they want to go or not being allowed to simply contribute with rides and constantly needing to get a ride anywhere you need to go. This is a burden I continue to bear and it has caused so much emotional and financial damage as well between the money that went to lawyers and fines and the county even was allowed to seize my vehicle upon conviction. There are many details involved here that I do not want to go on rambling about that caused additional stress but the bottom line is my mistakes which I take full responsibility for continue to haunt me to this day! I will never ever condone drinking and driving again in my life or anyone else and mostly yes for the safety and concern of others as I am very very lucky my indiscretions did not lead to harm of anyone else or myself, but I will also not condone due to what it bring to your life. The stigma you can get for being a “criminal” can hurt you emotionally and financially.
Moving forward past this has been a challenge for me and my family. I am extremely fortunate for their support and it has been a blessing in disguise as after a few years of allowing this to consume me and send me down a negative spiral I finally sought the help I needed. I began seeing someone for my mental health this past year and it has been such a huge help. It has been during this time I have been able to connect the issues I have had in my current adult life with things that I experienced in the past. Being able to talk to someone and take a deeper dive into my issues and to explore the past has opened my eyes to how I have spent so much time and effort chasing my demons so to speak. I began to see how I never ever learned to cope with anything negative in a healthy way. I spent so much of my life being conditioned to act out or to see myself in a negative light. Coming to this realization has helped steer me in a better direction which in turn will obviously help me with the other aspects of life such as fatherhood.
I understand this will be a life long journey and there is much work to do. I would love to feel like my demons will just disappear and I will no longer cause myself or others pain, but they will always be there lurking waiting for me to make a mistake or to spiral back downward reverting to old destructive behavior. It is becoming clearer by the day how much my kids pick up on my behaviors and how I react and handle situations so it is important for me to recognize this and continue to improve. I will also need to be attentive to how they handle their own stress no matter how small as it could appear trivial to me but for them it could something of great importance! I cannot allow my demons to carry on to my kids and I want to break that cycle for them as well as myself.
My fellow dads out there I know you understand this and I want us all to be able to lean on each other so please feel free to reach out if you like and follow along for this fun journey of the Everydown Dad!